my letter

hey you...mom's been online a whole lot lately....so i've not been able to get to the phone...which right now is really bothering me...cz i know we needed to talk more then just sunday night...and i know between what is going on with work and with your family it isn't leaving you time...it's not even leaving you time for yourself..let alone myself...when we first met we talked alot about why people don't work out...and we both said it....it's because people can't take the good with the bad ...i'm not one of them...i didn't take being collared by you lightly...when i did it ...i took the good with the bad..the hard times and the easy times...i knew this wouldn't be easy...i knew you're whole life right now is going thru a major up heavel...and something i understand is family...you're family comes first and it's as it should be...to expect anything less from you would mean you're not the person i know you are ...you're honorable...you're a family person who cares more about others then yourself...and that itself is what's kept me with you...you're someone that cares alot ..who believes in others even when they don't believe in themselves...when you met me i was just comming off waiting for James...i was with him about 3 months...and i probably spent a total of two weeks...in the time i was with him he crushed my spirit tried to lock who i am away...he didn't help me he hurt me with his actions...but i waited then...waited for him to return...but the thing with James that made me finally walk was that i didn't care about him...When you called sunday night i knew that things were going to become rough for communication between us...that there are going to be long stretches of time ...were there won't be words from you or words between us...so i talked to a couple of friends of mine about how to handle it and to learn to be patient cz i want to wait this time...you are someone worth waiting for...maybe we can't talk daily or weekly anymore...but there are emails and offlines and even the occasional call...i belive with everything i am this can work...we have something many don't have...we are friends ...life throws us curves for reasons that aren't always explained...but this is only going to prove us stronger...i want to be there for you when things are down and you need an ear even if it's just to grouch about things going on in your life to rattle when you need it...you are the best thing that's ever come into my life...you've listened when i needed that ear...you are the one who's pulled me back from the darkest place someone could be in...you are the first person in my life that has ever made me feel wanted and alive...you are the reason i have hope once again in my life...i'm going back to school which i almost gave up on...you encourage me to want to be a better person..hell you don't put up with my excuses...you fight my stubbornness with every step...you give when it's needed and pull the reigns in when they need to be...you're also the person who's taught me to love again...and over the last few months i came to the realization that i've never truely loved someone...not in the right way and not in the way i do you...i've seen the ways you show me that you care...it's in every call every conversation between us...and it's in this mornings letter...you don't want me waiting because you don't know when life is going to even out for you the way you want it to be ...you don't believe me sitting here on the sidelines is fair...but for me to walk away from someone like you when the chips is down wouldn't be fair of me either..right now things are confusing...and you're still sorting things out with family and work and everything in between...and your focus needs to be there...no where else...not worrying about me...not worrying about online...nothing else but you and your family...that is the one thing i want the most is for you to do what you need to do...put your heart into everything that needs to be done...that is my greatest wish for you...i've not worried about me this week...i've cared for you and how you're holding up....one of the things i'm really bad about is expressing myself putting my feelings out and showing what i'm thinking...i rattle but speaking my heart is something i tend to fear...i don't want you to worry about right now...not where i'm concerned...not were we are concerned...i want you to take care of your family that is what is important ...5 months ago you got what you wanted when you tempted fate....me...and i'll wait as long as it takes for you ...i've nothing else i would rather do...you have my heart in your hands...and it's yours completely...i want you in my life...like i've never wanted anything else ...i've been good all week...the messages i've left you are just so you know how things are...and my way of letting you know i'm holding up just fine...yes i miss you...miss you bad...but you've taught me to be strong when things are down....you taught me everything works out somehow...i truly believe that you and i work...you are the person that i've spent a lifetime searching for...you are my bestfriend...and you are my heart...and i can't give those up not when things are so bad for you right now...i want your heart to be there where it's needed...i've got a couple of friends here that know me and know how to keep me from falling...Rusty i love you so much that i'm not wanting to push you for more then you can give me ...i know what you need right now...you need the time to get your life straightened out...and you're reward will still be here waiting for you when it does even out...talk to me when you can...and when you can't focus on where you need to...you deserve someone who can be strong when you need that...and i can give you that..i've waited this long in my life for someone like you...i can wait even longer...
love you misty

Aprl 1st

hi...it's 3 am and i should be sleeping but i can't ...i have like all these thoughts running thru my mind...and i am truely missing you...when you told me about everything going on and that you were moving to your brother's i knew i'd have to learn to deal for awhile..i just didn't know how hard this lesson would be..i am so proud of you cz what you are doing not many people would...not in this day and age...it shows your true character..you are a good man...there's no question there at all...and there's not a day in the last 5 months have i regretted my decision to be with youyou have given me so much...taught me to deal with me and stand tall when the chips are down...and i know there are times when i drive you crazy...but hey that's just me ....and you once told me that the problem with couples today is that they run when things get tough...i'm not running...i'm here to stay...i'm being strong and i'm staying calm but that doesn't mean i don't miss you...you're my ear and like my profile said you make me laugh when i just want to bury my head in the sand and fall apart...Alpha is showing me how to hold on and to give you the time and space that you need...he told me that you'd be back...to just give it time...i believe him cz i believe in you...it is my natural instinct to want to help you ...and you know that all you need to do is say the world and i'll help in whatever way i can...i bought that bus ticket and i'm not refunding it...i'm going to hold on to it until such a time as things are right for you and then i'll be comming down to be there...i want that real bad...today hits our 5 month longer then most ...and we'll continue to hit months and time ...i truely feel that in my heart....i will be with you thru this no matter how long it takes...

Monday 03-28-05

I decided it was time for me to come in here and start putting my thoughts down and out....i knew i was in panic mode first thing this morning ...i even called my dr's but the earliest they could bring me in was weds...i'm not on either of my meds and i was wrong it wasn't that i forgot they forgot to get the message to the nurse..and then i got to work...the district manager was there...she wanted our hours cut back even more and i lost it ...lost all control on myself i felt like i was spiraling down quickly...so when i left work i tried to call you but i only had enough for 2 minutes of time and i couldn't say what was going on in my message...then the real trouble hit...mom tells me when i walk thru the door that she told mike if he needed a roof over his head he could stay here with us until he found a place...and everything crashed on me...i fell apart and i lost it ...lost all control cz all i could see at that moment was everything i've been working so hard to rebuild was failing...and in my panic tonight i tried to reach you more then a few times...i was lost i didn't know what to think how i should feel...and i wasn't cutting myself down it was more of a situation of feeling like they were going to drag me back to what i was...i don't want to be that shell again and i'm not going to let it happen...and i'm not...and i'm not going to let it affect what i have here with you...i talked to Doug for sometime tonight...he to some degree knew what was attacking me inside but like i told you last night he only knows a brief portion of things at times..and you understand me...you listen but you don't let me talk bad when it starts ...you don't let me do the ifs ands or buts...you push me to stand when i can...and i guess tonight i was leaning...and being a pain...i said alot over the weekend about us and about how i felt about things...how i want them to work for us...i spent two days thinking alot on all issues...and i can say clearly without a doubt that i've never been happier with anyone else...out side of my five years with mike...this has been the longest relationship for me ...it's teaching me patience which for me is something i don't come by easily...strength...and you've taught me to believe in myself and in someone else again...somethings i never thought possiable..i've opened up to you like a book...i don't hide i show you what is inside of me my thoughts,my dreams,even my silly wishes...and you've found a way into my heart...after tonight i'm going to my dr's first thing in the morning and getting someone to talk to me to help cz i'm not going to loose the best thing i have because i don't know how to control my illness on my own...i need to learn cz you've said it yourself you can't always be there...and believe me i know how much you're there for me even when you aren't here...that means something to me....this morning i got on here and i found a way to get there was able to figure my cash situation to make it work...i was bouncy cz i was going to give us the chance to make it work not just on here but offline too...i talk about sean being such a good friend...but i know it's you who is my bestfriend...you're the one who's held my hand when i've cried over others ...you're the one who listens when i just ramble...and you're the one who cares about me...i know this...i am really sorry if i got on your nerves tonight i wasn't trying to and i should have better discipline then that in myself...like i said in the last message i wasn't going to call again tonight...and thats when i came up here and started to write in here ...to get my thoughts out...and i'm beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be a good thing for you to have me do this nightly or daily...give me a structure that i know i have to focus on....i've done well with the bed time orders maybe i'll do well with this ...misty